Domestic violence is a subject that often makes headlines. When we talk about it in such a context, it is often because it is extreme. Such a man kidnapped his partner, beat her, raped her or even killed her.
Described in this way, it is not surprising that men do not recognize themselves as exhibiting violent behavior.
At Homme Alternative, however, we define violence in a much more global way, for us violence is:
Any act, attitude, omission, constraint, coercion, or negligence which causes or risks causing psychological, physical, economic, sexual and/or social damage to the person who suffers it. Violence emerges in all types of intimate relationships between partners across a variety of gender identities, sexual orientations, ages, cultural references, etc. This violence affects not only the victim, but also the person carrying it out and those around them.
For some, it is a fully conscious and premeditated attempt, used systematically with the aim of controlling or dominating another. However, this is not always the case. in fact, the majority of the men encountered see their violent behavior (which they themselves often describe as unacceptable) as an inadequate attempt to assert themselves, to be respected and/or to reestablish a certain balance in the relationship.
Concretely, this violence manifests itself more particularly in 6 types. Verbal, psychological, physical, sexual, economic and social violence.
Types of violence
Forms of violence
Violence can be exercised in different, more or less subtle ways that are always hurtful and unacceptable.
VERBAL VIOLENCE
Verbal violence means raising your voice, using your deep voice, shouting, swearing, insulting others, etc. The objective is to show that we are angry to scare, to dominate. There is a great need to be heard.
PSYCHOLOGICAL VIOLENCE
Psychological violence is the most subtle, the most difficult to recognize, yet it is often the one that hurts the most, it leaves traces that are very difficult to erase. Psychological violence affects the other person's esteem and confidence and makes that person more fragile and vulnerable, therefore easier to dominate and control.
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE
Physical violence is certainly the form we hear about the most. It seems to be the one that bothers the most. It often appears after other forms of violence are no longer enough to get what we want. The majority of men we met have difficulty recognizing that they can use it, it is probably what they are most ashamed of.
Physical violence is not just about hitting others. It is any use of physical force to hurt others, to scare them, to demonstrate our superiority. This is for example: punching the table, slamming doors, throwing objects (causing injury or not), hitting the other person, holding them back, pushing them, preventing them from leaving the room, squeeze their arm, pull their hair, break things belonging to them, etc.
SEXUAL VIOLENCE
Sexual violence is one of the least talked about forms of domestic violence. In fact, there seems to be a certain confusion that reigns given the fact that sexuality in itself often still remains taboo even within the couple.
In fact, sexual violence is any behavior with a sexual connotation unwanted by the victim. It can therefore involve rape, touching, forcing one's partner to comply with one's fantasies, sexually denigrating them, manipulating them to obtain favors, etc. The notion of consent is essential.
Harassment, touching, rape, forcing the other to have sex and/or behavior.
ECONOMIC VIOLENCE
The objective of economic violence is to deprive others of their financial autonomy in order to make them even more dependent and thus have more control over them. In concrete terms, this can be excessive control of the other's spending, preventing them from earning money, acquiring things, using the couple's assets (like the car for example), etc.
It also manifests itself very often after the breakup when one partner tries to “wash” the other to punish them.
SOCIAL VIOLENCE
The objective of this form of violence is to increase power over a person by isolating them from those around them or controlling their social sphere. It can manifest itself by belittling or criticizing people significant to the other (friends, family, colleagues, etc.), proposing outings only when the other has planned projects with those around them, forcing the other to give access to his accounts on social media to then analyze and/or criticize all his messages, control his leisure or pastimes, firmly encourage him not to work outside or to abandon his studies, the wrongly accused of infidelity.
VERBAL VIOLENCE
Verbal violence means raising your voice, using your deep voice, shouting, swearing, insulting others, etc. The objective is to show that we are angry to scare, to dominate. There is a great need to be heard.
- Yelling, swearing, insulting, threatening to scare people.
PSYCHOLOGICAL VIOLENCE
Psychological violence is the most subtle, the most difficult to recognize, yet it is often the one that hurts the most, it leaves traces that are very difficult to erase. Psychological violence affects the other person's esteem and confidence and makes that person more fragile and vulnerable, therefore easier to dominate and control.
Denigration (“you're stupid, you're ugly, you're good for nothing,” etc.)
Emotional manipulation (making the other person feel guilty for everything that is wrong in our lives)
The threat (of beatings, retaliation, violence towards the new spouse, etc.)
Control (of one's clothing, of one's associations, of one's outings, etc.)
Blackmail (“if you don't do this, that…”)
Emotional manipulation (making the other person feel guilty for everything that is wrong in our lives)
The threat (of beatings, retaliation, violence towards the new spouse, etc.)
Control (of one's clothing, of one's associations, of one's outings, etc.)
Blackmail (“if you don't do this, that…”)
- Sulk, blackmail, manipulate, control, denigrate, intimidate, threaten, ignore.
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE
Physical violence is certainly the form we hear about the most. It seems to be the one that bothers the most. It often appears after other forms of violence are no longer enough to get what we want. The majority of men we met have difficulty recognizing that they can use it, it is probably what they are most ashamed of.
Physical violence is not just about hitting others. It is any use of physical force to hurt others, to scare them, to demonstrate our superiority. This is for example: punching the table, slamming doors, throwing objects (causing injury or not), hitting the other person, holding them back, pushing them, preventing them from leaving the room, squeeze their arm, pull their hair, break things belonging to them, etc.
- Hitting, slapping, shoving, squeezing, pushing, pulling, throwing objects, strangling, preventing someone from leaving, using weapons.
SEXUAL VIOLENCE
Sexual violence is one of the least talked about forms of domestic violence. In fact, there seems to be a certain confusion that reigns given the fact that sexuality in itself often still remains taboo even within the couple.
In fact, sexual violence is any behavior with a sexual connotation unwanted by the victim. It can therefore involve rape, touching, forcing one's partner to comply with one's fantasies, sexually denigrating them, manipulating them to obtain favors, etc. The notion of consent is essential.
Harassment, touching, rape, forcing the other to have sex and/or behavior.
ECONOMIC VIOLENCE
The objective of economic violence is to deprive others of their financial autonomy in order to make them even more dependent and thus have more control over them. In concrete terms, this can be excessive control of the other's spending, preventing them from earning money, acquiring things, using the couple's assets (like the car for example), etc.
It also manifests itself very often after the breakup when one partner tries to “wash” the other to punish them.
- Controlling others in relation to money
SOCIAL VIOLENCE
The objective of this form of violence is to increase power over a person by isolating them from those around them or controlling their social sphere. It can manifest itself by belittling or criticizing people significant to the other (friends, family, colleagues, etc.), proposing outings only when the other has planned projects with those around them, forcing the other to give access to his accounts on social media to then analyze and/or criticize all his messages, control his leisure or pastimes, firmly encourage him not to work outside or to abandon his studies, the wrongly accused of infidelity.
- Controlling others in relation to their social circle or isolating them from their social circle
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